You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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