I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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