On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Randomize
