the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Also, beer. Big fan.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
