I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I am one with the molecules
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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