tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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