I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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