dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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