I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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