Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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