My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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