Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
