My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
