So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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