Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
