i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
it was like eating out sand paper
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
