So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
