Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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