At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
