sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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