Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
