I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
the condom got lost in my hair
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
