Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
