i just had sex bonerless
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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