my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Ladies don't puke and tell
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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