this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
