i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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