Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
