: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
