OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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