just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
