Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
