Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Randomize
