It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
