Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
