I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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