I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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