Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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