As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
