like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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