I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
