I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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