go do what you do best...puke behind churches
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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