I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
