come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize