yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
