Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
