every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
