I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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