The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
