Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
