It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
