Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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