Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
