I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
