I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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