I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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