Please, let me fuck your mom
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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